tiger-in-the-box:
The thing about experiencing frequent, severe pain is that you can get really good at doing normal shit at that level, but it also makes you feel crazy. Like, you feel like it can’t be that bad, because you’re not curled up somewhere screaming. No one else can see your pain, so you appear hysterical, an unreliable communicator of your own experience. And, like, no one gives a shit if you’re in pain, bills and life do not stop just because you’re in pain. So, you start to believe that maybe it’s not actually that bad.
The reality is, though, you are in pain and it happens day after day and it never fucking stops and you just gotta live with that. So, you look at that future, stretching out in front of you, of living and working while internally screaming all the time, of wanting to cry because you can’t take it anymore, of constantly teetering near some breakdown, and you decide to do pain forever.